Writing this evening in hopes that others might be feeling the same way I’m feeling. Basically I absolutely cannot handle anything that’s being thrown my way. None of it. And by “anything that’s being thrown my way” I mean my day to day life. Maybe that’s the thing right now – day to day life feels like I’ve never lived this life before. I’m in survival mode in every aspect and I don’t know how to get out. Or maybe, I can’t decide how to get out.
I can’t make any decisions right now. I feel like none of them are easy. If I make one decision, just one, that affects 100 other decisions that I also need to make. I’m a working mom who lives in a two bedroom double wide with my husband and child. And another (child not husband) on the way. I’m short a bedroom. I normally work from home, but my normal in the work wold has been totally flipped upside down and I’ve been working in office everyday for a few hours for a month and a half. I didn’t sign up for that. I’m a working mom who works from home so I can still hang out with my kid. I can raise my kid, save money on daycare, be with her every waking moment and not miss a thing. And work. And make money, so my family can have things. So we can have this 2 bedroom double wide. So we can have groceries. My husband pulls his weight too and works, just not from home. But this is about me and my brain, not his.
I hate going into work. I was flexible for a week, for 2 weeks, I get it things happen. But now they’re predicting things won’t go back to normal for a couple more MONTHS. Months. And not just one month, but monthS. I hate it. I miss my kid. I makes me want to cry every time I drop her off. I am lucky enough my mom (her Mimi) works from home also and has had some flexibility for the last month to take her for half days every day just about. For free. But she’s already given me a heads up this flexibility is likely to change, soon. Even though she’s with my mom, I still hate it. I miss her so much. Not to mention, I’m totally ruining her sleep/nap schedule that we had perfected prior to. It’s ruined. She doesn’t like to nap with my mom. She hardly naps during the day anymore you guys. She’s 1, she needs a nap. She needs her mom.
My work has offered me only 1 life line. They find me small things to do from home in the mornings so I can still clock in and get a few hours in from home. The majority of my tasks cannot be performed without access to programs I can only now access being on site. I can’t use ‘excused absence’ time. I’m going through my PTO like it’s infinite. I don’t have that much PTO left, I took 12 weeks for my maternity leave, most of which was paid by my PTO, we didn’t have a maternity leave policy. I haven’t had much time to build my bank back up. What happens when I run out of PTO that I’ve been using to get me to my 40 hours each week? Why does it take a huge company monthS to figure out network issues they should have already been prepared for? There’s not even any space at my office for all of us to be back on site. I can only go in after 11:30 each day if I want a desk to sit at. It’s not my desk. It’s not ergonomically correct for me. I share it with 2 other people throughout the week. I WANT TO QUIT.
Back to my 2 bedroom doublewide. You might have already guessed but there’s only 2 bedrooms here. I need 3. We don’t pay for heat. And our rent is very affordable (I am SO grateful) considering the state of the world right now. But we have no extra space. No playroom space, no storage space, and no bedroom for the sweet soul taking up room in my belly. Not sure if any of you have peeked at the housing market as of late. But it’s soul crushing. It’s puke worthy. And I don’t like puking. We can’t afford what we would want in a house right now. So – do we rent the 4 bed 1 bath house that’s outdated and has the most narrow staircase ever and only bathroom that’s for some reason on the second floor? Pay more a month for rent? Pay for heat? Just for the space? Or do we wait it out here until we get closer to my due date to see what else pops up? Ultimately, not having enough space I think would be stressful. Both my babes could share a room, sure. But not until my new babe figures out how to sleep through the night. Which you might be thinking, would add a buffer time wise to make a decision. But, my first babe, she never slept in our room. Ever. She slept in her room in her crib since the day we brought her home from the hospital. And it was great for us. And she loves her room now, and her crib is her safe space. And I would really like to do the same with my second.
If you’re having trouble connecting the dots here -in my head the dots are miles apart – I can’t quit my job because we need my income to survive and also, if I want a house, or if we want something bigger, it’s going to be more expensive either way. So ya know, money. But I’m not happy in office. I’m just not. I kept this job after I came back from maternity leave for the sole fact that I was given permission to work and keep my kiddo home with me. That’s it. I have a master’s degree. I make $21 an hour. I’ve held the position I’m currently in for 3 years. During my interview 3 years ago, it was almost guaranteed I would be working remote for the foreseeable future. But as well know, things happen. Shit hits the fan. And then everything just gets turned upside down. And we have to flexible and go with the flow. And then wake up and do it again. I think I’m just ready for a break. A new beginning. I’m ready for something. I just don’t know what is.
Patience is a virtue. But it’s not just patience because we have to keep adapting day by day and find ways to not rip our hair out or take our frustrations out on our family. The struggle bus stops at my house everyday, and I get on. And I take it from point A to point B. Until one day it’ll be like, a nice comfy coach bus or a mustang or something that pulls up in my front of my house. And then that’ll be my ride, But until then, the wheels on the struggle bus go round and round (sometimes they’re all flat but hey, at least there’s any wheels at all). Happy Hump Day friends, we’ll wake up tomorrow and figure out how to get it all done, we always do. Xo.
Mom Brain 